Quickies 2.0

*I just had a 19 year old write to me on a dating site. His profile says things like, “I like to party and ride quads with my friends!” and that he’s looking only for “casual sex”. Almost as hilarious as the time I got a message from a 94 year old, who had no profile picture. I assume that was probably because he kept trying to add them by sticking Polaroids into the CD drive.

*I just saw a guy running out of the grocery store carrying only a 12 pack of toilet paper. It took every ounce of self control and continually reminding myself that I am an adult to refrain from yelling out the window, “Regretting that Indian food buffet now, huh, buddy?”

*Technology paralysis: when your electric toothbrush runs out of battery juice and you seriously think, “Oh my God, what now!?”

*I know they mean well, but whenever a guy on a dating site starts off our correspondence by saying, “I would marry you tomorrow!”, I crack up because most men would be horrified by the same sentiment from a woman they didn’t know, yet they assume all women are so desperate to be married that they’ll be hooked with that. So the sarcastic feminist in me wants to respond, “OH THANK GOD someone will finally have me!!!! I can’t vote or buy land or hang a shelf without a man! I mean, forget that whole part where I figure out if YOU’RE actually what I’M looking for, women today just have too many ‘standards’! Can we just run down the aisle now?” I’m sorry, it’s just much more fun to sift through hundreds of nonsense messages with more lines than you can find up Kate Moss’s nose when you can laugh a little about it. This is why my mother thinks I’m still single.

*So many people I know we’re born in September. You know what that means, don’t you? Your parents had quite a merry Christmas/happy Hanukkah. I think your Dad probably looked at your Mom and said, “I have your holiday gift riiiiiiight here.” This disturbing visual of your parents in the sack brought to you by my sick sense of humor.

*I can’t eat biscotti because I feel like the crunch makes my eyes rattle in my head and I fear they will fall out. That’s a pretty severe consequence for eating a shitty excuse for a dessert. I mean, I might consider losing my eyes for a decent molten chocolate lava cake, but biscotti?

*I just spent the last hour cleaning the window air conditioner I lugged upstairs and put in, and then cleaned up the subsequent dog vomit courtesy of the stubborn one who refused to leave the room while the mold, dust, dirt, and bleach filled the air. Someday, boys and girls, if you work very hard and say your prayers at night, you too can have the kind of glamorous life I lead.

* I just saw a bumper sticker that said “kick addiction” and I shit you not, my first thought was, “People are seriously addicted to KICKING now? What’s next?” Nothing like being snarky and stupid at the same time. I’ve been told I have a high IQ, but there are days I believe the people who assessed that might have owed my family a lot of money or something.

* Dear Guy Whose Profile I just Bypassed on a Dating Website, I didn’t even need to read the profile or look at your pictures. The fact that you chose to use the Jay Z quote “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one” as your headline explained everything I needed to know. Thanks for displaying the underlying douche bag right out front there and saving me some time. Sincerely, Single Women Everywhere

* It’s so miserably hot outside that I’m considering eating my own face off with a spoon. What can I say, I have weird reactions to heat.

*Is it just me or do people with dreadlocks make you think of the creature in Predator? Every time I see some Rastafarian dude, instead of asking him where the best local Reggae bands are, instead I want to run up and do my really terrible Ah-nold impression and yell, “Get to da choppah!!!!” That can’t be normal. I realize that.

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